As I was leaving the cafe this morning after my usual morning hate read of the Telegraph I passed my client’s General Manager in the doorway. “Morning Allen, I need you to sign off on some procurement documents, I’ll see you when you get back!” I then went back to the office, went to his desk and stole all his motherfucking biros, he only had 2 - a blackie and a bluey - Kilometricos, a real piece of work Allen is, a real piece of work – all in all a successful heist, and I returned to my desk.
When I see him get back I rush over to his desk feigning a calculated but confident enthusiasm:
"Allen, can you sign off on this?"
"No worries.. hang on, some bastard has stolen me pens!”
"Oh don’t ya hate that? Here, use mine!"
I generously thrust forth a pen - he is thankful, but then resists, for I have handed him what looks like a red pen, and we all know how taboo the red pen is for signatory duties.
”..Oh.. don’t worry! It’s actually a black pen - here’s a tip - I take out the black ink strip from another pen and place it in a red pen casing, that way people don’t steal your pens! I mean, who would steal a red pen? You should give it a try, here, keep this one!” I say, with a cheeky grin.
The look of pride in that bald motherfucker’s face when he realised he had myself; an enthusiastic, friendly and innovative young man working for him, boy oh boy, I think I might up my hourly rate and go to the pub to celebrate.